Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Q is for Queries

Dear Future Agent:

Here's my book, I hope you like it. I know I should give you a hook, show who the MC is, and tell you the conflict and stakes, but I hate it when someone suggests a book and then tells me the entire story. It was like when I went to see Titanic with my bestie and she told me it sunk. I mean, who does that?

Anyway, my book basically has vampires/werewolves/zombies/fairies/angels and super-hot demons who all live in a post-apocalyptic world. There's this one teenage girl, who's human, and all the characters are, like, in love with her. Then stuff happens. I won't ruin it, but it'll totally be a bestseller. The film rights will sell for millions. That Twilight wolf dude would be the hot love interest (but I know that Pettyfer guy will probably want to do it too, right?).

I've attached the manuscript, the adapted screenplay and audio book MP3.  I also sent you a hard copy of each with the cover art. You'll know it's from me because I included a bag of gummy bears and the picture of me and my friend that day she fell in a lake and I laughed so hard I peed my pants. It was hil-a-rious!

So I'll call you later to have a chat about it, okay?

Check you later,

Future NYT Bestselling author.

P.S. I've already emailed Publishers Weekly about the deal. It's a pre-empt with a major publishing house in a multi-million dollar deal for a 15 book series.

P.P.S. My mum loves it!

20 comments:

SugarScribes said...

I enjoyed your humorous post. Sadly, I am sure that agents do get letters that resemble this. Thanks for making me smile

mooderino said...

Please send a full.

Vicki Rocho said...

hahaha! "then stuff happens". Thanks for the laugh.

Pk Hrezo said...

Hey where did you get my query from??? I don't remember saying you could use it!! ;) But wow, doesn't it shine?

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm still cracking up at the Titanic line.

PK, you're so writing my query. You're like the queen of queries. :D

Jaydee Morgan said...

Too funny!

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

...i'd read that book

Talli Roland said...

Ha! :) Love it, Lindsay. You're signed!

Oh... wait... I'm not an agent. Oh well.

Lori M. Lee said...

haha, awesome query. I shall send a contract immediately.

Amparo Ortiz said...

Best. Query. EVER.

*offers contract*

M.J. Fifield said...

So that's what I've been doing wrong with my queries...

Fantastic post. Loved it!

Carol Riggs said...

Ha, amusing!! A lot of writers make these mistakes! (well, that's why this is funny--we've all been there). :) Happy week and happy Easter!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

If that works, I'm trying it next!

Shannon O'Donnell said...

*snarf* You are too funny! :-)

Christina Lee said...

heh heh heh! THX for the smiles :)

Lydia K said...

Dear Future NYT Bestselling Author,
The gummy bears melted on the manuscript and I can't read it. I like your style though, so I've enclosed a contract.
XOXO
Future Agent

Theresa Milstein said...

You must have multiple offers at this point! An mp3 - some forward thinking there! Thanks for the laugh.

ali said...

Oh my gosh this is the funniest thing I've read today. Thank you! And hey, I'd totally go see your movie. :)

Sylvia Ney said...

This is hilarious!

SharleneT said...

So, when is your book about letters that shouldn't be sent coming out? Wonderful post.

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